Pregnancy Myths vs. Fact

Know-it-all teenagers think they, well, know it all about pregnancy myths and sex. In fact, chances are you are wrong about some of the most common pregnancy myths.

Bonus Pregnancy Myth: No, men can not become pregnant.

Since I want you to be a well-educated teen, here are the top 10 teen pregnancy myths, ranked in order of the most outlandish claims. Feel free to comment at the bottom of this article with the most ridiculous pregnancy myth you’ve heard and I’ll update this with your pregnancy myth vs. fact!

Pregnancy Myth #1: She can’t get pregnant the first time we have sex.

Pregnancy Fact #1: Yes she can. It doesn’t matter if it is your first or 100th time, the chances are the same. FYI, your first time will not resemble what you’ve seen in porn.

Pregnancy Myth #2: She can’t get pregnant if he pulls out.

Pregnancy Fact #2: Yes she can. Ah, the good ol’ pull out method. Pulling out means that a man pulls his penis out of the vagina before he “comes” to keep sperm entering the vagina. Pulling out is only about 85% effective in preventing pregnancy. Pregnancy can happen even if the guy pulls out, if he doesn’t ejaculate, or doesn’t put his penis all the way in. Playing “just the tip” also can cause pregnancy, and trust me, you’ll want to put it all the way in.

Pregnancy Myth #3: She can’t get pregnant if she doesn’t orgasm.

Pregnancy Fact #3: Yes she can. Chances are a girl won’t orgasm at all during her first few sexual encounters and the amount of pleasure or displeasure she receives from having sex has nothing to do with her chances of becoming pregnant. Orgasm or fakegasm, either way a woman’s cervix dips down after her sexual arousal is over and “collects” semen. Hence the term cum dumpster or semen shovel. You get the idea.

Pregnancy Myth #4: She can’t get pregnant if she douches after sex.

Pregnancy Fact #4: Yes she can. Douching after sex is completely pointless. By the time she gets out her douche and finds the optimal douching position, it is far too late. Semen are strong swimmers and if conception was going to take place, it has already happened. Douching with Coca Cola or vinegar also makes no difference and will only make for a sticky mess and a yeast infection. Don’t douche, douche.

Pregnancy Myth #5: She can’t get pregnant if she’s on her period.

Pregnancy Fact #5: Yes she can. She can become pregnant during any time during her menstrual cycle. Most women’s cycles are irregular, especially teenagers, and some women ovulate – the time when an egg is released and a woman is most fertile – very close to the time that they have their periods. Plus, sperm can live in a woman’s body for up to 7 days waiting for ovulation to happen (gross, isn’t it?). Just because a woman isn’t ovulating when she has her period doesn’t mean she can’t get pregnant. In fact, just assume she will get pregnant, so don’t try having unprotected sex, Chief.

Pregnancy Myth #6: Guys can use plastic wrap or plastic bags if they don’t have a condom.

Pregnancy Fact #6: No. Anything other than a real condom can not be used. You shouldn’t even trust no-name brand condoms or the ones that come out those dispensers at truck stops and nightclubs. Lamb skin condoms don’t work either. Go Trojan or go home. And no, you don’t need a magnum. No tin foil either, dammit. You’re not trying to get basic cable on your balls. Oh, and don’t reuse them. One and done. Free Tip: Flush those suckers down the toilet. If your sex mate is intentionally trying to get pregnant, she can take the condom out of the trash, harvest the semen and artificially inseminate herself. It’s happened. Plus, you don’t want her/your parents finding used condoms.

Pregnancy Myth #7: She can’t get pregnant if she/me is drunk or on drugs.

Pregnancy Fact #7: Yes she can. First effect of alcohol and most drugs? Lowered inhibitions. You do and say things you wouldn’t otherwise. It makes for a fun time, but I guarantee my child was conceived on a night I do not remember. Alcohol, drugs and even Mountain Dew has no effect on her ability to become pregnant during sex. People are also much more likely to become victims of sexual assault or rape when these substances are used, so as a general rule it’s best to keep sex and illegal substances separate. (Wait until College, yay drunk co-eds!)

Pregnancy Myth #8: She can’t get pregnant if she is on birth control.

Pregnancy Fact #8: Yes she can. The pill is only 97-99.9% effective. That .01% means that she can get pregnant. The pill is also not effective until at least 1 month after she starts taking it. As always, it is a fantastic idea to use a second form of birth control, like oh…I don’t know, condoms. Also for the record, my girlfriend was on birth control when she became pregnant. The .01% can be a real bitch sometimes.

Pregnancy Myth #9: Certain sex positions prevent pregnancy.

Pregnancy Fact #9: None do. Any sex position, anywhere, anyhow and with anyone can make a girl pregnant. Backways, frontways, sideways, upsidedownways, it doesn’t matter. If the P goes in the V, you can have a B. Got it?

Pregnancy Myth #10: Everyone is doing it!

Pregnancy Fact #10: No, they are not. Most studies show that less than 45% of teens have sex before they leave high school. If my math is correct, then 55% of teens are NOT having sex in high school – the majority. Your friends will lie and say they banged the popular chick, or even the hot math teacher, but it didn’t happen. The only truth that matters is if you are ready or not to practice safe sex. If you are, make sure you know the signs of a pregnant girlfriend, just in case.

Does it sound like no matter what she will get pregnant if you have sex? Good, it should, because there is a good chance she will become pregnant if you are using one or no form of birth control. The only sure-fire way to ensure she does not become pregnant is that ugly “A” word – abstinence. It works, and it’ll make sure you keep the teen birth rate down and aren’t changing diapers on Prom Night.

What’s the funniest pregnancy myth you’ve heard? Let me know in the comments below.